Warning!!! If you do not want to know how your
favorite reality series ends, the sexual orientation of your first born child
or if your boyfriend is ever going to pop the question... Do not continue
reading.
I would like to welcome all of you to the newest addition to the Third Row
Weekly Specials. Thankfully, I have been blessed with an uncanny foresight
from god and I wish to share it with you all. Third Row attorneys insist that
I refer to my statements as "predictions", however, you should interpret
them as pure unavoidable fact. On a weekly basis I have 3 goals: first, to
make a bold "prediction" that the Tigers will win, second, to "prognosticate"
about current events/religion/race/politics and most importantly, to field
any "prediction" requests from the Third Row faithful. Some examples
are: Will I pass my finals? Will Jaysus ever ask me out on a date? Will James
ever stop Grudging? Please send in "prediction" requests by using
the comment/question box provided below. I warn you again, do not ask questions
you don't want the answer to.
10-30-06
Tailgaters,
I apologize for not predicting much lately but I have recently regained my prognosticative ways and will focus on one single topic and it’s implications. The entire predicting part of my brain (back upper left) has been focused on…. Mid-term elections!!! What has my brain told me? The Democratic party will win the House back at mid-term elections. My predictions focus on… why this signals impending doom for the economy.
A Democratic majority will again implement the dividend tax. Individual investors, mutual funds and company returns will be decimated by as much as 10%. As a result the Dow Jones Average will free-fall to 11,400 with 2 weeks after the election. Nothing like the DOUBLE TAXATION of corporate earnings to slow down a great economy!!!!
A Democratic majority will force big pharmaceutical companies to directly “negotiate” with Medicare and Medicaid concerning prescription drug costs. As a result of government sponsored price-fixing, the resources allocated to research and development of new drugs will be dramatically decreased. There will no longer be enough funds for big pharma companies to continue the far-reaching advanced research on many diseases such as Alzheimers, various cancers, heart disease, mental illness…. However, the Democrats will be thrilled with themselves. After all, they were able to buy the votes of lower class and elderly citizens with promises of lower prescription drugs. Nevermind the fact that they are sabotaging future healthcare advancements in the process. Now that is forward-thinking politics!!!
Energy prices will boom due to the restrictive regulatory policy imposed on the oil/gas industry by a Democratic majority. Oil is currently trading at $58/barrel. Oil will rise to $68/barrel and price at the pump will again touch $3.00/gallon by Christmas. I hope you don’t have a gas heater in your house this winter, b/c if you do, you may want to buy a heavy winter coat!!!
The inheritance tax will be brought back and increased by a Democratic majority. Your Mom worked hard her entire life to build her empire and create an opulent lifestyle for you. And according to Democrats… That just isn’t fair!!! Upon her death we will redistribute 40-60% of her empire to the masses. This will send a clear message to the youth of America, “Don’t work hard. The government will take it all back anyway.”
Some words of encouragement: We have an incredibly robust economy. In the
midst of North Korean nuke tests, a flat-out debacle in Iraq and impending
democratic takeover of the house we have managed to reach all-time highs in
the DJIA, S&P 500 and NASDAQ. All three indices have seen 3-month returns
of 11-16%! Unfortunately, this plane is out of gas and it is time to land
in the cesspool that is Pelosi.
08-29-06
Third Row Prediction Mailbox is officially open!!!
Tailgaters:
It has been a glorious off season full of good times and jubilant celebration.
However, we have a long season ahead of us and this is the time to look forward
to bigger and better things. I am not going to spoil the entire year for y'all
so I will just stick to football/tailgating related predictions this week.
I have a lot of catching up to do so this could get lengthy:
LSU Football Prediction:
JaMarcus Russell will finish the year with 2,634 passing yards, 24 TD with
8 INT. He will declare for the NFL Draft at season's end. He will be drafted
#21 by the Dallas Cowboys.
LSU vs. University of Louisiana AT LAFAYETTE
LSU will romp stomp dem pretentious cajun bastards. We win 51-3. I also predict
that I will be yelled at 14 times by ULL fans for taunting them with "U.L.
at Lafayette" chants. Please feel free to join me in reminding them who
the REAL Louisiana University is.
THIRD ROW Drinking Team vs. Any Lafayette Native
T.R.D.T. will beat any Lafayette native team 11-3 in 5vs5 flip cup championships.
Third Row Tailgaters:
The Third Row faithful will set the benchmark even higher for 2006. In 2005
we consumed a collective 37 kegs. We already have 4 under the belt (literally
for some) this year. I predict that we will drink exactly 51 kegs this year
during all tailgating related activities. (Beer Fund payable to Third Row
or Jay Ducote)
Prediction only some of us care about:
I predict that Scott Hammatt, staying true to form again, will auto-pick his
entire fantasy football team and miss the playoffs. It should be noted, he
will be the only person in 3rd Row Fantasy Sports history to ever autopick
his entire team while in live attendance of the draft.
Don't forget to send in prediction requests!!!
06-05-06
Third Row Faithful,
Sorry it has been so long since the last post. I unfortunately suffered a
severe brain shutdown after the Third Row Canoe trip. During the drunken haze
I decided to take a new approach my prognosticative ways. No more jokes people.
The following 4 predictions will happen. 3 fingers across my heart.
1. The Boston Red Sox will not win a World Series for 186 years. It will be
known as "The Curse of Johnny Damon".
2. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise will divorce. One of Angelina Jolie's kids
will be arrested for a felony during their lifetime. Anne Heche will marry
another woman... and man during her lifetime.
3. LSU's favorite alum, Shaquille O'neal, will hire Roger Clemen's agent.
Beginning in 2008, he will sign one-year free agent contracts with the team
with the best record after the All-Star Break. After playing for 33 seasons
he will retire with 18 championship rings.
4. The LSU Baseball Team will win another College World Series Championship.
Enjoy Tailgaters.
03-13-06
March Madness Prediction:
With the March Madness tourney coming up... I pontificate LSU beating Iona
soundly, 78-64. I also predict the Tigers will play Syracuse in the second
round. It will be a hard fought and close battle to the finish, where the
Tigers will finally prevail 68-65. Stay tuned next week for my sweet 16 predictions!
Third Row March Madness Prediction:
Staying true to form, Scott Hammatt will autopick his Third Row Yahoo! brackets
and win.
Third Row Request:
Paul,
I have been feverishly preparing for the crawfish boil. Would you please let
me know exactly how many people are coming so I can make sure I get the poundage
of crawfish needed.
-Jayfus Mulletron Ducote
Jayfus,
First, Mother Nature's South Louisiana Administrative Assistant, Pierre Boudreaux
Tauzin sent me a letter saying, "Your Welcome for the wonderful weather
on Saturday... Mother Nature has been very busy making snow in Maine and did
not have time to call personally". Pierre is a nice guy. Jay, there will
be exactly 143 people and 3 dogs at the crawfish boil. You will need precisely
603 pounds to accommodate the crowd, assuming the dogs eat 0.6666 pounds a
piece.
-Paul the Omnipotent
03-06-06
I have some exciting news this week so make sure to read everything below.
Third Row Prediction Request:
When Will It stop freaking snowing in Maine... it is March and there is still
snow on the ground and falling from the sky...WTF! -Rob
Rob - While I am not familiar with this "snow" concept I can give
some updated information regarding weather patterns in Maine. Fortunately
for Third Row, I went to the semi-annual Spiritual Advisors Consortium last
week and Mother Nature was the guest speaker. I generally use this time to
bribe the old bitch for pleasant Crawfish Boil weather, however, I also used
the opportunity to fish out some info about Maine... In late March a cold
front will barrel down on the Northeast and you will experience temperatures
in the teens with lows around 3 degrees. Expect these patterns to continue
through the first week of April. Tlast day snow will fall on Maine is April
8th.
Specific Comments: Everyone should be on the lookout over the next few weeks as I will be giving detailed updates on last week's prediciton request from Amanda Ball. Pics emailed upon request.
Exciting News: At the Spiritual Advisors Consortium (SAC) I ran into an old friend of mine from High School. I have now added the Tooth Fairy to my "friends list" on facebook and will be accepting prediction request regarding compensatory matters for teeth. P.S. The tooth fairy does NOT negotiate on molar prices unless they are capped with fine alkaline metals.
-Paul the Prognosticating Predictor of Paralyzing Phlegmactic Precipitation
02-20-06
I would like to start this week by thanking one individual for submitting
the best (and ironically, only) prediction request. So here it is... and keep
em' coming!
Third Row Request:
Paul, I realized today that I've been single for two years and four months..
Since I am female and it is the female thing to ask, the obvious question
is when will I find someone to love that I can love back again and are all
the good ones married, confused, or taken? However, what I really want to
know is when will I get laid!?? I need a prediction.. make it good!
-In need of a lay..
Amanda Ball,
I predict that b/c I have publicly outed you as the author of the above Third
Row Prediction Request that you will have a plethora of opportunities to get
laid within the next 4 days. I predict that you will have at least 8 suitors
instant message you on facebook by Thursday looking for a good time. I suggest
you wait until you have at least 10 potential suitors and we hold the First
Annual "Who Wants To Get Laid By A Foxy Red-head?" Contest. I of
course, would be the M.C. and spiritual advisor to yours truly. Good luck
and happy screwing Amanda... you deserve it!
-Paul the prognosticator of phucking
01-30-06
I haven't gone political nor offended anyone lately. I apparently need to
step up the game. Things are getting slow with prediction requests. Don't
forget to consult the stars and send in your requests!
Third Row Request: Paul, I've just gotta know, this rain
delay is killing me... who's going to win the Third Row shuffleboard tournament?
Also, who's going to have a triple-double first, Big Syl or Tyrus Thomas?
Shuffleboard Boy -
Being that I am still alive in the tourney I will not be commenting on this.
I do know the answer though, and you should probably rent a movie instead
of showing up.... Who will have a triple double first? I prognosticate that
Tyrus Thomas will have the first triple. However, if Big Syl is finally asked
to play for the men's team, neither will ever have a triple double while at
LSU.
Political Prediction: I prognosticate, within the next month
Saddam Hussein will fire his current attorneys. Saddam will then hire a "dream
team" of lawyers consisting of Sen. John Edwards, Bill Clinton, political
consultant James Carville and the ghostly spirit of Johnny Cochran. Cindy
Sheehan will also be retained as "special concubine" to Bill. I
also predict, the general population and the world will finally realize that
Democrats hate America.
-Paul the prognosticator of puck pushing and political pandering
01-23-06
Third Row Request:
Paul the Divine,
When will my boyfriend get his chest hair waxed or otherwise removed? It's
positively awful!
-Tangled Up
Dear Tangled Up,
I would like to thank you for your question. This is the first boyfriend/girlfriend
related question this year!! Congrats to you. Now, I must take care of some
administrative matters, I am hereby disclosing that when consulting Paul the
Predictor Guy anonymity is not tolerated. Now on with the prediction, I predict
that when you stop shaving your legs in protest of his hairy chest... he will
shave his chest. I also predict that you will ask Dr. P about modern hair
removal techniques and he will give you an accurate, yet slightly disturbing
answer to your query.
-Paul the plucker of filamentous projections
LSU: The lady tigers will positively stomp Baylor on Monday
night (ESPN2) 78-61. "Big" Sylvia Fowles will have 22 points, 14
rebounds and declare for the men's 2007 NBA draft.
01-16-06
An LSU Prediction:
LSU's men's basketball team will beat Alabama 75-66 this weekend.
Tyrus Thomas will have a triple-double.
Third Row Request:
Mr. Prognosticator,
Will there ever be a Muslim Hajj without hundreds of people being trampled
to death so people can throw rocks at another rock?
-Concerned Christian
C-squared,
I am glad to see that the prediction request has gone inter-faith. In order
to fill everyone in, the Muslim Hajj is what most of us know as the annual
"pilgrimage to Mecca". Every year, millions of Muslims (literally)
have made this holy pilgrimage to the promised land. On the tenth day of Hajj,
it is custom to throw seven pebbles at a pillar that symbolizes Satan's temptation
of Abraham. History lesson over, on with the prediction! Since I am quite
close to all things holy, I prognosticate, there will be a year in which hundreds
of people are not trampled to death trying to heave symbolic stones at another
bigger stone. I predict that by year 2010, there will be 5 million people
trying to make the journey and the death toll will only continue to rise year
after year. In 2011, modern crowd control measures will be instituted and
the death toll will reduce.
- Paul the Parochial Prognosticator
01-09-06
Let's start with an LSU related item:
LSU will face Florida in the swimming/diving matchup of the century this Thursday
at a place we all hold near and dear to our hearts. I prognosticate that Hali
Saucier will bring home us victory. Her outstanding 267.92 point performance
from the 10 meter platform will clinch victory for the Tigers. Great Job Hali!!!
We knew you would do it.
A random prediction:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (TomKat) will give birth to their first child.
A full-blooded Siamese Cat.
Most importantly, a Third Row Member Request:
What part of Maine is likely to kill me first... snow, polar bears, eskimos
or other?
-Dr. P
3-Fingered Rob:
I predict that you die a horrible death while in Maine. As you well know,
Maine is home to some "unearthly" creatures that us Southerners
are not familiar with. One such creature is known as the "Eskimo".
These flesh eating parasites prey on the poor and less fortunate. I prognosticate...
you go to a nearby casino and lose all your money playing craps. On your way
out of the casino you will be savagely attacked by a pack of hungry Eskimos,
stripped of your remaining fingers and left bleeding to death. Since you only
have 8 fingers this will be an unusually long and painful bleeding process.
I am sorry you had to find out this way.
-Paul the Purveyor of Death
12-20-05
Welcome all to my first week of actual "predictions". Since I am
feeling festive I thought we would geaux with some holiday related predictions.
LSU Prediction: This Friday, the LSU men's basketball team
will play Nick Lachey's Cinci Bearcats. I prognosticate that the Tigers will
beat down the Bearcats worse than Ms. Simspon did Mr. Simpson. The Tigers
will win going away, 74-62. On a side note, Tyrus Thomas will have 5 blocked
shots, after each he will point to Jessica's ex-hubby and scream, "REJECTION!!!!".
Random Prediction: In a related story, Glen "Big Baby"
Davis will be seen squiring Jessica Simpson about town. In three years, Big
Baby and Jessica will marry and soon after announce that they are having their
first child together. I prognosticate, the 14 pound baby boy will be named
LaGlenn Davis and it will have the second most beautiful set of breasts known
to man.
3rd Row Request:
Dear Prognosticator of Predictions,
Is Santa going to actually give me something on my list this year? Or am I
stuck with another LSU sweatshirt and slippers?
Respectfully,
Eric "Boo" Ducote
Eric:
I prognosticate that you will receive another LSU sweatshirt for XMas this
year. Since you failed to elaborate about what you asked Santa for... I will
just tell you what you are getting: 1 LSU Sweatshirt, 1 Check for $50, 2 $20
bills, 1 atomic wedgy from Jaysus, some nerdy computer junk, some nerdy foreign
music, and absolutely wasted at the Hebert Christmas Bash Spectacular Extravaganza.
-Petey Pablo Prognosticator of all predicting predictioners
Don't forget to send in your requests!!!
