To all my loyal readers:
It has come to my attention, via scores of emails, that many of you have dire, acute and chronic medical problems. Yet, because we are all to busy, poor or both to seek expert care we need many life impairing and threatening conditions are not being treated. And because I am about to start medical school I figured it was time to start acting like Patch Adams. So, I am here to answer your medical needs. Just submit your emails to rpostl1@lsu.edu, or fill out the form at the bottom the weekly specials homepage. Now, because I also believe that our souls needing healing too, I will continue my joke of the week where I will continue to make fun of the retarded, sick, stupid, small babies, women, men, whites esp. those from Livingston Parish, blacks, handicapped, Catholics, Jews, and James.

**The medical advice contained within are only meant to be humorous and entertaining... they don't reflect the opinions or thoughts of Third Row, and usually not even the opinions of Rob himself. And please, for the love of everything holy, DO NOT take any of this advice seriously or act upon it... you will probably end up A) embarassed, B) Drunk and/or hungover C) Really sick, or D) Dead. None of these are good.**

October 22, 2007

Dear Dr. P.

I know you are a people doctor, but I have a question about my dog. Is there anyway I can let him continue to have sex with out fixing him?

Matt

Dear Matt.

Unfortunately no. At least not any more:

The creator of a meat-scented dog condom had high hopes for his invention, until the pooch product was recalled. Phillip Laxis, product developer for dogcondoms.com, admits, "I'm not going to lie to you. It's a disappointment," but says the extensive test market studies that resulted in 102 unwanted pooch pregnancies and 15 near- choking incidents justified the recall. In his words, "People were not anticipating the dogs' needs. Create a doggy date situation where you can control it, a situation where no one gets hurt."

So as for now, he will just have to sow his seed and home nothing grows.

Dr. P

October 08, 2007

The cure for Hiccups:

Dear Dr. P

I seem to have been having hiccups for several days since the LSU win what can I do?

Jay

Dear Jay,

You should get some hot little freshman to help you with what we call a circumferential DRE/ massage.

Here is an exert for the Annals of Internal Medicine to show you I actually do use some current literature to give out advice:

Department of Inernal Medicine, Bnai Zion Medical Center:

WHEN a young man walked into the accident and emergency department of University Hospital in Jacksonville, Florida , complaining of hiccups that had lasted three days, Francis Fesmire, who treated him, had little idea he was about to make medical history.

After trying a variety of standard hiccup cures, such as pulling the patient’s tongue and making him gag, Dr Fesmire decided on a different approach.

“Digital rectal massage was then attempted using a slow circumferential motion,” he wrote in his seminal case report, published in the Annals of Internal Medicine. “The frequency of hiccups immediately began to slow, with a termination of all hiccups within 30 seconds.”

IT goes on later to show:

A 60-year-old man with acute pancreatitis developed persistent hiccups after insertion of a nasogastric tube. Removal of the latter did not terminate the hiccups which had also been treated with different drugs, and several maneuvers were attempted, but with no success. Digital rectal massage was then performed resulting in abrupt cessation of the hiccups. Recurrence of the hiccups occurred several hours later, and again, they were terminated immediately with digital rectal massage. No other recurrences were observed. This is the second reported case associating cessation of intractable hiccups with digital rectal massage. We suggest that this maneuver should be considered in cases of intractable hiccups before proceeding with pharmacological agents.

PMID: 2299306 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE]

It should also be noted this can be used to treat rapid supra-ventricular tachycardia in hemodynamical stable people too.

Good Luck,

Dr. P

April 30, 2007

Dr. P

It seems as though I have developed a cold. I think it is due to the fact that it has been the coldest April in history, and I hate the cold? What should I do?

Sincerely,

Brandon.

Dear Brandon,

Your right, it has been a damn cold April, just the other day I woke up to see more than 8 freaking inches of snow on the ground and in Alaska fire hydrants are bursting. The best thing we can do is two fold. You see Al Gore promised us global warming… I was very excited to hear about this especially b/c I live up north, what could be better than a warm winter, (plus have European countries flood is always fun too). So what we need to do is pollute as much as possible, this way next year hopefully you won’t get sick. The second thing we need to do, is a bit harder… you see there really is no such thing as global warming… but why not hedge our bets and say it could be real… we need to just stand outside and hold aerosol can up and hopefully that will release enough CO2 to heat the earth too.

Hope this helps,

Dr. P.

February 05, 2007

Dear Dr. P.

I see that you are stuck in Michigan right now as the state is experiencing temperatures below negative 25… -25… can that be possible or is an example of the media lying to us? And what are the medical consequences of going outside in that kind of weather?

Sincerely,

Eric.

Dear Eric,

Yes it is indeed that cold up here. If I were to go outside in this weather I would surely die. I can see out of the crack of my boarded up windows that some people are going outside. I can only assume that they are Yankees. Apparently Yankees have an ability us southerners did not know about, they can survive these sub artic temperatures. Surly this is why we lost the civil war, if only we could have fought war only in the summer months. These temperatures are also responsible for the Saints losing two weeks ago. No southern should dare come try to rescue me, I should be ok. I assume my medical school knows that I will not be going to work and I hope they don’t fail me out as I will not be going out side till late march. As a second thought… God I hope Al Gore is right, where is the Global warming!!! I need you all to pollute and trash the earth ASAP so we can get the earth warming up STAT.

Sincerely,

Dr. P

January 22, 2007

Dr. P.

I got cut the other day… it was an accident I had while cooking… b/c nobody makes me bleed my own blood… anyways… I noticed it was red. This bothers me b/c I thought that I bleed purple and gold? Am I a true LSU fan?

Sincerely,

James

Dear James,

No you are not. You see all LSU fans, the true ones that is, bleed purple and gold. The gold comes from two places. The first is all the excess fat in your arteries from eating tailgating food, giving them a yellow or gold color. The second source is the yellow tent that comes from the jaundice of liver failure from drinking to much. The purple color comes from yelling a screaming for LSU so much that you are constantly at a low oxygen state in your arterial blood giving it a dark purplish color. If you saw red, you must either secretly root for either Arkansas or Alabama. To figure out which, who would you rather have sex with… your cousin or your cousin’s pig?

Dr. P.

December 4, 2006

Dear Dr P.

Hi, I have a problem, you see I am addicted to a new web site on the internet. It is: http://texasborderwatch.com . And I was wondering a few things. Is it bad to spend hours looking at this site to try and see boarder runners so I can report them? And what do I do if I see any of UCBO’s family? Should I report them? And is there any stimulants I can take to let me stay up longer and focus more on this site.

Sincerely,

Senoir Quan Emilio Rodrigo Estavan

Dear Estavan,

It is good to hear you are protecting our borders. I hope you know you can also do this while watching football and drinking a beer. I would recommend either crack, or a lot of coffee when watching this site for hours on end. Also don’t forget to tell people about this site which is a free site put up by the government to stop such bull shit. As for your feelings, I am doing surgery now, and not on my psyc. rotation so I could give a care less about your addiction, b/c if I can’t cut it out I don’t care. And as a side note for all the people in third row who are banking heavily on one day having a doctor to give them drugs… this may be harder as I will be trying to go into surgery…. So I guess I can help us all when we are fat and having heart attacks from to much tailgating food and beer…. Not that those things are bad for any of us, b/c if I can fix it, them fuck it… keep it up!

Dr. P.

November 27, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

I don’t understand why I have been feeling so bad recently. I am having a hard time talking, as my lisp becomes more pronounced, and my liver spots on my arms look worse, and my hand are shaking more and more, and I can’t remember things so well any more, and I keep forgetting what I was saying, and my lisp is harder to control. What is going on?

Lou Holtz

Dear Coach,

You are getting old. These are a classic signs and symptoms of being damn old. You have two choices as I see it. You can go walk into the woods and lay down to die, or you can move to Oregon where old people can be euthanatized or in you case “put down.” Don’t worry we will tell the two people who think you are a good announcer for ESPN now that we sent you to a farm with big fields to play with all the other shitty biased ex-football coaches from over rated programs, who are now shitty biased announcers.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

November 13, 2006

Dear Dr. P,

I heard that you are currently doing your OB-Gyn rotation and I was wondering what your thoughts were on childbirth?

Sincerely,

Hope I don’t have a bastard.

Dear HIDHB,

Here are my thoughts….1. God save anyone with a daughter, b/c if she is over 12 we assume she is having sex until proven other wise. 2. STD’s literally in your face all day really decrease your desire for sex. 3. childbirth (of which I have so far “caught”/ delivered, 12 of so far...and not dropped one yet…) childbirth is the most unnatural and foul thing in the world. All the nasty things you have heard are true and them some…. Although the “natural” way is with a lot less risk and side effects than a c-section… it is still damn nasty.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

November 06, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

Is there any way we can make it so I don’t have to deal with men any more? I am in a man hating mood seeing as how they suck.

Sincerely,

Some hot third row girl.

Dear SHTRG

Well I have news that will be good for both all women and this generation of men. You see thanks to the New Jersey Supreme court ruling allowing same sex marriage, and the advances in the medical reproductive therapy it is now possible for a lesbian couple to conceive. You just take one X chromosome from each lady and then implant a fertilized egg in one of them. Granted this is not something that is all that “hot” but come on… what’s hotter than two girls? So this is good for this generation of guys, b/c all girls can now be lesbians, and it is good for women b/c men are obsolete… but it means a future without any men (b/c the women would only be able to conceive girl offspring).

Hard choice for us…

Dr. P.

October 30, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

What is your opinion on anal?

Brent

Dear Brent,

There are many things that go into the decision to do “anal.” But what you should know is this: it is that the same nerve plexus that stimulates the clitoris is the same that innervates and provides sensation to the rectum. I have been told that girls who enjoy this position do so b/c the have yet another way to have multiple orgasms and that these orgasms do come faster and “feel different.” However, you should know that there is an increase risk of the girl getting a urinary tract infection. It should be kept in mind that this action does mean you will be putting your “man toy” in poop. That is just nasty and freaking well… just nasty.

Dr. P.

October 09, 2006

Hey yous guys,

I will not be giving advice this week, but I will be sharing a true medical story with you.

I have a patient who we will call Marty, who is a schizophrenic delusional type. Marty believes among other things, that he talks with God and they work together to take out sinners (i.e. those who do drugs, have sex with sinners, and those people who are after him and trying to kill him with lasers). Well Marty noticed that I had 3 fingers, and being the rather large man he is with a blond fro, he told me that he would get God to fix this for me. Well after a few days, he decided that b/c I had not grown my two fingers back, that I must be working with the devil, and therefore I am the enemy. Marty spent the next week throwing water at me in an attempt to perform an exorcism. Needless to say, Marty is no longer in my care as he sees me as evil.

Peace out yall from Saginaw .

Dr. P.

October 02, 2006

Dr. P,
Lets just say we had a friend who went to Portugal and accidently had to sleep with a Portuguese chick in order to obtain free lodging. Are there any risks associated with such behavior? Also, is there a problem associated with sharing a tent with a Canadian girl in Portugal ?
-roamer of the earth

Dear Jay

There is no risks associated with the Portugal girl, however there is substantial risks in sleeping with a Canuk. There is the risk of catching socialitits… if you start to think you may have it, look for the following signs: belief in universal health care, opposition to the War in Iraq or our President, sudden desire to watch hockey or curling, affinity for maple leaf’s or most disturbingly suddenly speaking French. If you show any of these signs quickly turn on Fox news, or turn to the Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck shows… a week or so of this treatment should cure you.

Dr. P.

September 26, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

I have a problem with bloating, constipation, and in general just dropping a load in the can. What could be the cause of this and what can I do to fix it?

Sincerely,

Coach Tommy Tuberville

Dear Coach,

The problems you describe can be caused by many things, however in your case I would look more towards the most obvious etiologies for your clogging problem such as: black line backers shoving repeatedly their cocks in your ass, or maybe four or five small animals such as gerbils becoming suck in your rectum, or most likely in your case it is a cigar shoved up there and stuck behind one of those poor dead animals some where in your colon. What you should do to treat this is go to the bath room and hang your self and then Go to hell you dirty bastard.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

September 11, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

I think my wife may be a lesbian, not that there is anything wrong with that, it is just that it may affect our relationship. How can I tell and what do I do?

Sincerely,

Catch-22

Dear Catch 22

There are some tell tale signs that your wife may be a lesbian, for instance if she has a vibrator shaped like a vagina then that may be a clue. While I have nothing against lesbians my self, I still don’t care for them. But not b/c I am anti-gay, in fact I am a huge fan of male homosexuals. You see it is all about competition. Right now guys have enough to deal with, when only competing with other guys for girl, when you then add lesbians to the mix, it just lowers our odds even more, where as gay men are great b/c that is one less guy to worry about trying to bring a girl home from a bar. You need to find out if your wife is a lesbian or bi-sexual. If the latter is true you may be one of those guys who may find out that there is two fish in the sea for you and that is what we call the jackpot.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

August 28, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

I have a confession to make. I am a Democrat. I watch CNN. I have opinions that are based on talking heads rhetorical fact-less based nonsense and I believe everything the drive-by media has to say. What can I do, as this is now affecting my school work, as I can not form an opinion of my own, and when I do it is often wrong.

Sincerely,

Help Me

Dear HM,

You are suffering from democratitis, and there may be a cure, b/c the first step in fixing the problem is admitting you have one. First you must realize when you are acting on one of your tendencies… for instance if you want to make a political issue an moral issue such as abortion, yet make a political issue a moral one such as illegal immigration then you are a democrat. If you stand for better education, yet think school vouchers are a bad idea, then again just slap your self and rethink the issue. You see we all some times catch a bit of the democrat bug (i.e. the ports issue… where they are fine with China owning the east coast ports) but in the end only by going thorough a 12 step program will you be helped. But please do not vote until you are cured, b/c then your illness could affect others. IF all else fails just jump off tiger stadium.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

July 10, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

I am a writer for the weekly specials and I was wondering if you could help me with my column b/c it only makes sense to me and a few people.

Sincerely,

Billy.

Dear Billy,

Yeah I am glad you wrote in, but there is nothing I can do to help you b/c you obviously drink way to much, and seem to also have an obsession with penises. If you were a drunk that was obsessed with breasts then I may be able to offer some guidance. So my advice to you is maybe switch teams, and continue to drink… and maybe some pictures of that would help me to make a better diagnosis too… just a thought.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

June 05, 2006

Let's say a person gets drunk, acts obnoxious, eats a friend's quesdilla, blackouts, vomits, passes out and wakes the next morning with no recollection of the aforementioned events...if the friend did not have to pay for the mistakenly eaten quesdilla, should the person who mistakenly ate it?

Perisha

Dear Perisha,

So my question to you is… who did pay? But regardless of who did pay, it should boil down to a few simple rules. If you vomited it all back up, then you really didn’t eat any of it. Also according to the rules of dating… if you hook up with someone else and are black out drunk and don’t remember it, then it did not happen and can’t be called cheating. Based on this logic, it only stands to reason that if you don’t remember eating the quesadilla, then it probably did not even really happen. These two factors should get you off the hook for something that happens to us all.

Dr. P.

Dear Dr. P.

I will be traveling to Haiti soon and I was wondering what kind of drugs I should be taking to prevent getting any weird diseases.

Sincerely,

John

Dear John,

Let me give you a little history lesson, so you will know how to not get malaria, seeing as how Haiti is one of the few places in N. America it is a problem. Quinine is the group of drugs that is used to prevent Malaria. This was discovered during the building of the Panama Canal. The natives were chewing on the bark of a tree, and it didn’t take long for the U.S. Army Corps to figure out why, the problem that it tasted so bitter, even when made as a tea and the soldiers wouldn’t drink it. They then contacted the inventor of carbonated water to help them. He carbonated it, and even added sugar to it, but it still tasted bitter and nasty. So he was there with his new invention tonic water, and nothing to do with it, till he mixed it when gin. And thus was born the Gin and Tonic, and is to this day recomended medically as a prophylactic treatment of Malaria. True Story. So stock up and enjoy your trip.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

May 03, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

I am from George Mason and we meet in Indianapolis, and I was wondering if you could help me. You see… sometimes I get arrested… but I do not have the ability to pull one hand out of hand cuffs, and thus to free my self from the police. When I saw this incredible feet preformed, I was in awe of not only that person but all LSU fans for being so cool. How can I be that cool?

Sincerely,

Room 264

Dear Ryan,

There is something to be said when a person who is handcuffed can free him self despite the efforts of the “Man” to restrain him. But keep in mind that when you saw that, that person (who will remain nameless) still didn’t flee the cops, he merely continued to tell his side of the story about how UCLA fans are all homosexuals. Now if you are intent on doing this, it is simple. Just get really drunk first (b/c it may sting a little) and then go to home depot and buy a scroll saw, a hand saw would work too but is a little slow… anyways, then go home with your new toy and just remove them your self. Make sure not to hit your ulnar artery or median nerve however so you don’t bleed out or have permanent damage.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

April 21, 2006

Dr. P,
Ever since our trip to Indy and getting kicked out of the RCA Dome, I have been afraid to attend other sporting events. I skipped out on the Gymnasty Regional for fear of being arrested or put on probation. Why must there always be "rules" about drinking and such at stadiums, and more importantly, what kind of pussies don’t sell beer at a basketball game? Oh yeah, and who the fuck wants to sit down at a National Championship game?

Sincerely,

Jay D.

Dear Jaysus,

I understand why you are afraid to be kicked out of games, but don’t worry as long as pussy UCLA fans are not there you don’t have much to worry about. And just remember what Rob taught you about escaping hand cuffs… just pull your right hand out of them and run like you stole something.

As for the rules about drinking in stadiums… I am sure you know that this was probably why LSU lost their game to a bunch of no good hippie pussies… all our fans were way too hung over to cheer. This as I am sure you saw, pissed not only us off put pissed off God too.

Why else do you think that a tornado hit down town Indy, the night of the LSU loss… God is a Tiger fan and was pissed the NCAA used alcohol to make us lose the game by taking the fans and probably John Brady out of the game. Oh… and how do I know God is a tiger fan?... very easy… if you drink as much as we do, your liver becomes good and hard, and bilirubin builds up and you turn a yellowish color called gold, and you will bruise more easy… and there is your purple. God intended for LSU fan to be seen by these healthy signs… some people call symptoms.

As for what kinda fans want to sit down at a National championship game…. Gay dirty hippie fans that are probably Sydney Sheehan supporters, who like to sit out everything.

Dr.P.

Dear Dr. P.

I am in need of help. You see I am married but I recently spent a weekend in Indianapolis sharing a room with 3 other guys. And during that long weekend of drinking, two of the other people in the room snored a lot. Now I am guilty of this too, but the person I shared a bed with never did. I often would lie there in bed staring at him, and his sexy 3 fingered body. What do I do with these new conflicting feelings I am having?

Sincerely,

I can drink more than you.

Dear ICDMTY,

I can understand that a person like that would turn on just about anyone, he is indeed a sexy piece of ass. However, due to the fact that he will never share the feelings you have for him, you should just bury them. If you want to tell your wife, she may understand, but in the end I think she would just leave you. So just hide who you really are and stay in the closet only coming out to prove you can drink more than others.

Sincerely,

Dr. P

March 20, 2006

Dr. P.

I need your help. You see when I was a little girl growing up none of the boys liked me, but I didn’t care b/c then they were icky. But suddenly on the first of 7th grade, day after I got back from summer vacation all of a sudden all the boys thought I was so smart, and that I was fun to hang out with. Ever since then every where I go, guys tell me how nice, and smart I am, and they laugh at all my jokes, no matter how stupid they are. Now here is my problem, I just recently was told that they are only doing these things, not b/c of who I am, but what I am. I am the hottest girl in third row, and probably in the top 7 at LSU. So my question is should I have surgery to make myself ugly, so I can know people really think those nice things they say about me?

Hugs and kisses,

Megan O.

Dear MO,

If you are asking if you should have an uglyectomy, or even more drastic an nastyplasty, then my answer to you is no. No matter how nasty a nastyplasty would make you look it is not who you would be really. For example, if I always wanted to play basketball but b/c white people can’t play, I could chose to have a nergroplasty, I would look black, but still would not be able to play basketball. Or if Travis wanted to finally become a woman and have a vaginaplasty, yes he would look more like a woman, but he still would not have periods or be able to have kids, and then really would not be a woman no matter how much he looked like one. So you see changing your self on the out side would not affect who you really are on the inside. Besides… who wants to have sex with ugly people anyways?

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

March 06, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

With football season over, and my off seasonal depression high in gear, my girlfriend told me to go see a doctor. So I went to one, and he gave me Zoloft. And it was working great, because I didn’t care about shit anymore. That was until I tried to have sex with my girlfriend. I can get it up ok, but that is all that happens, I can’t… you know… finish. I am now more depressed than ever and my blue balls hurt too. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Painful Blue Balls

Dear PBB,

The symptom of aorgasmia is an all too common side effect of antidepressants. It is ironic I think that they are supposed to not make you depressed, and they don’t suppress libido or affect erections, yet they prevent ejaculation. This all too often will just make you depressed more so than ever. So you have a choice, stop the drugs and go throw your self in to LSU baseball and watch reruns of last season football, so that you can go back to a normal sex life, or just continue the medication until football season at which time any orgasm may result in semerfous tubular eruption and perforation… aka your balls will explode.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

February 20. 2006

Dear Dr. P.,
I have frequent loud outbursts of flatulence. My girlfriend doesn't think these are funny at all. My question is, what is wrong with her, medically, that has robbed her of her sense of humor? I mean, come on, farts are funny.
Sincerely,
Cade "Poots McGee" Register

Dear PM,

You simply have to teach her to love your flatulence. Any true woman has to learn to love all her man’s smells. To help her to learn to love your bodies musical abilities, simply lock her in a car with the windows up, after you eat at a Mexican restaurant and just let it rip. After a few minutes she will either pass out, or learn to appreciate another aspect of your relationship.

Dr. P.

February 06, 2006

Dr. P.

I seem to have a lot of hair on my back. I don’t mind it b/c it keeps me warm in the winter, but my girlfriend does not like it… and she doesn’t even care to much for the hair on my chest…. What would be the best way to remove all this hair?

Sincerely,

Wooly Willy

Dear WW,

There are many options for hair removal these days. Your choices range from the cheap to the expensive. There are creams, lasers and all sorts of choices that make this a difficult decision. But fortunately for you it seems that if you like the warmth your hair brings you, but it is your girl friend that wants you to loose your winter coat, then it should be her responsibility to do so. So send her to the store to buy some razors and shaving cream, and when she gets back put her to work, and make her start shaving your back. (you should do your own chest b/c you wouldn’t want her to cut off a nipple or anything lower.)

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

January 30, 2006

Dr. P.,

Recently I've noticed that my right big toenail has become green and rather unsightly. It doesn't hurt that much, just looks awful, but I'm afraid that this will only lead to more problems... how could I have gotten this and what can I do about it?

Anonymous

Dear A,

Well there are 3 different choices you have here. You see I am a little weak on my medical skills as far as dermatology issues go b/c they are so freaking boring. Your first choice is some antibiotic’s along with pulling off the toe nail. Your second choice is a self preformed prophylactic amputation, to prevent blood infection and spreading. Your third choice is to go see a dermatologist, who will most likely charge you money and make you wait in a long line only to misdiagnose what you have and send you home with no treatment where you will later die of some sort of necrotizing facititus. I leave it up to you to decide what to do, good luck!

Dr. P.

January 23, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

There is a girl that I like a lot but is there any medical way to tell if she is lying to me about being with other guys while seeing me?

Sincerely,

Every guy in the world

Dear EGW,

I have an interesting medical fact for you. Now for all my readers who don’t believe this, I swear that this is a true fact. Did you know that over the course of a girls’ life the only part of her body that will never stop growing is her nose? It is actually a true fact, I swear. But what does this have to do with the question at hand? Well that is very easy, all girls are just walking Pinocchio’s… they are all liars.

Dr. P.

January 16, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

I think that my girl friend is cheating on me. Normal I would just ask the all knowing Paul to look into the future and tell me, but I turn to you b/c it seems that I have something on my penis. I was pretty sure that I was clean going into the relationship and I think that potential slut girl friend of mine has given me something what do I do?

Sincerely,

Bumpy Lumpy Cock

Dear BLC,

It seems that you have been the victim of one of two things. One the girl you are seeing does indeed suffer from legs to open syndrome and may have given you something that you didn’t want for an after Christmas present. Either that our you have always had it and it is just now deciding to rear its ugly head, if it is the latter, it is most likely HPV and can be handled one of 3 ways. There are creams that are effective, as is burning off those raised areas with dry ice spray (cryo-therapy) , or third due nothing b/c you should clear most infections like this in about 2-3 years (at which time use condoms so others don’t get it). The good news is this though, regardless of what cold hearted evil bitch gave you this disease, she is now at increased risk of cervical cancer, and will get abnormal pap smears for the rest of her life. So the cheating whore girl does end up getting the short end of the stick so to speak here.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

January 09, 2006

Dear Dr. P.

I recently went to an underwear party for new years eve, and after wards developed a bad sore throat and cough and a slight fever what should I do and are they related?

Sincerely,

Likes to be Naked

Dear L2BN,

There is no established connection between wearing to a underwear party and the symptoms you are describing. So please don’t let this prevent you from attending such parties in the future, b/c there is no better way to ring in the New Year than in your underwear with all your friends. So if I wear you I would just get lots of rest and fluids. You probably got sick from either sharing drinks that night or making out with Fred, b/c from some of my reports he was showing similar symptoms and has been know to pass around his cooties.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

November 28, 2005

Dear Dr. P.

I have to admit I was looking over what I thought is a great carrier in Sports Broadcast Journalism, and I for the first time in my life am having doubts in my ability and status as the greatest broadcaster ever. These doubts first came into my head when I tried to make love to Reggie Bush last weekend, and he turned me down and I had to settle for Matt Leinheart. After I was done, he kicked me out of bed and told me that The Ohio State University sucks but not as bad as I suck. I could not believe my ears, could it be that OSU is not the greatest football team ever? And is my journalism that bad?

Sincerely,

Kirk Herbstreit

Dear Kirk,

You see the problem is that you are an asshole. You only pick teams that are over hyped and “cool” to talk about. You have nothing original ever to say either. Take for instance you hype of Notre Dame who’s opponents have a combined 34 and 48 record. Also why is it that ND does not drop in the polls for taking USC to the wire, yet Fresno State does drop when doing the same? You want to know why? It is b/c you suck and are a cock sucking homosexual. Also you keep pointing out the Auburn should be the number one team in the SEC, except for some missed field goals, well in that same game LSU had some dropped touchdown passes, so why don’t you open your eyes and get the USC jizz that seems to be blinding you out. You have had 34 opportunities to pick LSU against ranked opponents, and have picked LSU to win twice, and have never been right in predicting an LSU loss in all but 3. Also LSU is one and one in the times you pick LSU. You are a horrible broadcaster and should go kill yourself. Also you are reading it here first… Reggie Bush will be the biggest bust in the history of the NFL, mark my words. The reason I say this is that his QB, is smart and can check off him to different routes, and the fact he plays in the freaking weak ass PAC-10. What proof do I have to back that up… look at Cadillac Williams and the difference he is making after he played in a real conference.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

November 14, 2005

Dr P,

It seems as though two of our original Third Row members have unfortunately decided to get married. They have set their union to be performed on December 10, 2005. This is the same day as the Third Row Gala. The wedding is at 1pm and fortunately will not interfere with the Gala activities. I will be getting very drunk at the wedding and violently intoxicated at the Gala. Is there any medication you can prescribe me to help ensure I don't puke? Or should I just puke and rally?

Sincerely,
Drunken Bafoon

Dear DB,

I had heard of this up coming union and was a surprised to say the least when I discovered there would be no pre- I Do tailgating. I feel we are missing a prime opportunity to not only expand our tailgating into other venues with our first annual tail gating wedding event ( we could even have tee shirts with Marcus running away with the bride) but also show our support as we cheer them on with keg stands and such.

But back to your question, while some people may question why they would get married on a event day, I understand why. They want us to drink as much as possible that day and thus follow your lead Paul… I mean… D. Buffoon. While there are medications you can take to prevent puking, I would have to discourage the use of drugs such as fenagrin, or glucagon. You see what better way to impress your date than puking in the toilet? Girls love taking care of men, don’t deprive her of that. And it will also impress the rest of us greatly, as you rise from your knees and puke and rally. So I would advise doing the thing that gains you most respect, and let it rip.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

PS … As a side note since it has come up. I am making potential plans to traverse the artic tundra that is Maine while fighting my way through cannibal Eskimos and polar bears, find my way to the Ohio and then Mississippi river, and then Tom Sawyer my way down in time for the Gala. I would only be there Saturday Night and leave Sunday. So all I need now is some one to pick me up and drop me off. And since I have already been shot down in flames once and now lack any confidence to ask another girl, I also now need a date. Jay and Travis should be able to accept all applications and forward them to me, and please don’t forget to include a picture!

November 07, 2005

Well dear readers, because I had such a response (both negative and positive) from my recent article where I gave girls advice, I will now return the favor to the guys. All of these facts in case there is any dispute have both been scientifically tested in double blind trials and appear in one of the leading medical journals this month.

So here are some excerpts in what I will call the Top Ten things all guys should know:

1.) Women ingest about ½ the lipstick they apply, and therefore eat one to three sticks a year.

2.) During emergences women will more often remain much calmer than any man, but this is due to their inventing weekly minor crisis to get practice.

3.) Over the course of her life a women will use 10 men for ever one she loves, which mean if you have ever helped her move and didn’t get laid you are one of the ten.

4.) Women will not have sex for the first time with there legs unshaven, so if there is stubble she is keeping herself in line.

5.) Beware of your girlfriend’s single girlfriend or gay friend, they want her to be single and will encourage bad behavior as often as possible.

6.) IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE SHE WILL FIND IT!!!!!!!!!

7.) Women do like a big penis, but if you don’t have one that is not excuse to suck at foreplay.

8.) Studies show that women are attracted to “Macho” guys near ovulation, and “good providers” the rest of the time.

9.) The song “slow ride” by Foghat, is not a song about a trip in a car…. Take the Hint!

10.) You will never ever know how many people she slept with. The standard lie is 5, which means 10. To multiple any number by 2 is a good rule of thumb. To better illustrate this, a study by Duke University showed that “number” for an average women when asked face to face was 3.6. When asked on a paper survey they had to put their name on the number went up to 4.7. And when asked anonymously, the survey showed that the number was 7.3. When the same survey was done in men, the results when from 8.6 when asked face to face. 5.4 when asked in a paper survey with their name on it. And 3.1 when asked anonymously.

October 24, 2005

Dr. P,

When in Nashville for the Vandy game, I came across the most amazing thing I have ever seen. There, in the liquor isle, was the biggest bottle of Jager I had ever seen! It was 1.75 liters. I think thats bigger than a handle.

Can a bottle of Jager this big cause any health problems? Why can't we get such a bottle in Louisiana?

Sincerely,

Brent Broussard

Dear Mr. Broussard,

Let me first say that the consumption of 1.75 liters of Jager to my extensive medical knowledge has never been directly attributed to death. As for its other health problems there is only the chance that it has been known to impair your ability to operate heavy machinery and it may enhance your livers ability to make such enzymes as AST and ALT. It is often miss understood that the elevation of those two enzymes is related to liver failure. But I blame the enzymes (or a weak liver) and not the Jager for cirrhosis and death. Now as for your ability to handle it, I think you have already answered your own question. You suffer for vaginitis, and disease that one of your fellow third row members once had, which makes me think that it may be an STD... uhmm... I wonder... I will get back to you on that.

Sincerely,

Dr. P

October 10, 2005

Dear Dr. P.

Let me start off by saying that I doubt your qualifications as a doctor, seeing as how most of the advice you give is not only not based on any research I can find, but a lot of your advice would at first glance appear more harmful to people than good. Secondly, as a female I have taken issue with one of your most recent postings where you gave “advice” to women. Do you really think that we are all as stupid and ignorant as you made us out to seem? I would appreciate your apology and with resignation from the Third Row weekly special staff.

Sincerely,

Kell C

Dear Ms. C.,

First off let me say that most of my advice and treatments while unorthodox have never been disproven. For instance I challenge you to find one study that contradicts my cure for AID’s. Also my research into the cure for SATDO, has been shown to help 100,000’s of thousands of LSU fans over come this horrible disorder. As for my advice to women I have to things to say. First off, would you rather have me go around telling women to drop their skirts at any guy that buys them a beer? Or would it be better if I just told them it was ok to drink to the point of drunkenness that even James started to look like a good piece of ass? The second thing I would like to say is that I am often writing these articles in one of two states of mind: 1. drunk 2. sleep deprived from studying for days on end. I am just as qualified as anyone in third row to give medical advice, and while I do apologize for offending you and making women appear to be less than very intelligent, I would like to point out that not only have I time and time again wrote about the huge brains of the women of third row, but also their undeniable hotness. In the future in you find me offensive I suggest you read my colleague’s joke of the week column. I assure you that Rob has far worse things to say on topics from dead babies to people from Mississippi.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

September 28, 2005

Dr. P,

Recently at our last tailgating event we ran out of CO2 and beer, and where temporally unable to quench our thirst in the heat with the finest beer of them all, Natty. I was just wondering how you would have handled the situation had you been here.

Sincerely,

Jay Ducote

Dear Jay,

Not to be political, but this is the biggest problem with FEMA. They failed to realize what is the true life sustaining factor for New Orleans, Mississippi, and especially Baton Rouge. What I speak of is of course beer. They should have had keg tents set up already to replenish tapped kegs, and co2 ready in the case of tailgaters or bars running out of it. I while how you handled the situation was perfect for your situation. I suggest you call that shitty Governor of the fine state of Louisiana, and ask her why she sucks so bad and can not provide for the true needs of her people.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

September 19, 2005

Sorry readers it seems that none of you have no horrible life threatening, or embarrassing aliments. I guess that is a good thing, but it means for slow business for me. So this week I will give girls some advice for the up coming football season and for the rest of your life, in a section I like to call “Lies guys tell you, and that you now believe”

Lie number one:

“yeah she is my friend” or “ I just want to be friends”

This is the biggest lie guys tell. No straight guy in the world would want a girl just as a friend… what good is that.. it is a useless as non-alcoholic beer? It’s not like we go shopping. Instead this lie is used to either sleep with girls, or in the case of less attractive girls, to sleep with the friends b/c the guy is now the “nice guy.” b/c of how he treats the ugly girls.

Lie number two:

“Breasts are all the same once you have seen a few”

This lie is used many different ways, buy with the same goal of getting you to take off your top. You see once a guy has seen breast, he now wants to see them all. It is just that simple.

Lie number three:

“underwear and bathing suites are the same thing”

This is probably the most easy to use lie used for a number of reasons. But here again, women you need to watch out. Here is how it works. Yes, bathing suites are just bathing suites. However once a guy has seen you in your underwear, he doesn’t have to wonder what you look like in it. Stop being so naïve girls, you are setting back all women, and hold up progress for the rest of the women.

Lie number four:

“he is married so I can trust him”

This is just stupid. Because even if he does not cheat on his wife, he will still fantasize and think about girls, it is inherit to all men, and there is nothing you can do about it except be aware that men, especially married men (and I can’t say that enough) are dirty.

Lie number five:

I had to check on this one, b/c I thought it to be true and I now have multiple verifications on it.

“he is gay so I can change in front of/ fool around with/ etc…” with him”

This is also just wrong. While gay men due enjoy the cock, they will still be aroused by and will fool around with girls. So it is no great accomplishment to “break the gay guy” b/c like all guys when he can not get what he is really after, he will settle for just about anything. You have accomplished nothing but again being used for your body, and have once again set back all women.

I know these may be hard for you girls to believe, but take it from the reaction of the guys who will be mad at me for telling these truths, that it is just how it is and that ya’ll need to start finding other role models than Paris Hilton.

Sincerely,

Dr. P

September 12, 2005

Dear Dr. P,

I was recently helping some of the evacuees from New Orleans here in Baton Rouge, and I think that I contracted something. I feel awful and am thinking about skipping going to the LSU football game in order to get help what should I do?

Sincerely,

Jason Wesly

Dear Jason,

I am sorry to say that you have defiantly caught some bug that is most likely affecting you brain, b/c you have gone crazy. What I need you to do is go to the game and show up to tailgate at least 2 days early and drink the entire time up to and after the game. B/c the amount of Alcohol you should consume in that time period should kill what ever is in you.

Dr. P.

August 22, 2005

Dr. P.

I think I got the AID’s. I went down on the corner Airline and got on one of the Krew of Ragoo girls. I am really worried what should I do?

Sincerely,

Paul Coussan

PS. Please do not use my name in this, b/c I don’t want girls and some guys, to know I have a STD.

Dear John,

There are two known cures to AID’s and it depends on which form of it you have, unfortunately there is no way to know which form you have so you just have to do both if the first does not work.

The first involves a few supplies. You first need to go get a bottle of bleach and soap and just start scrubbing your member. After it is clean you then need a Wisk brush (one of those steal ones) and then again start scrubbing it good, make sure to not miss a spot. Then after that, take your little buddy there, lay it on a counter, then take a bible and start smashing it on your best bud, yelling “be gone AID’s be GONE!”

The other cure involves killing the original person to have ever gotten AID’s. This is based on the same rules that werewolves and zombies follow, were the killing of the original will cure you.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

July 25, 2005

Dear Dr. P.

Recently I have had some scary symptoms. I am waking up at 6 am, and after 10 minutes I am trembling, shaking and feeling anxious. After a few hours, I begin to get hungry for a variety of meat. By about 7 pm, I am feeling very sad a depressed. These feeling are occurring about every day, but oddly are worse on Saturdays. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Paul H.

Dear Paul,

Well there is no need to worry, you are fine, and what you are experiencing is typical for this disorder which occurs every year in most people in South Louisiana at this time of year. The disorder is known as SATDO, or Seasonal affective tailgater disorder. Typical signs are those that you are experiencing, as well cravings for cheap beer and increased time spent thinking about Football. The early morning shaking, is your body telling you that you should be drinking by now as you get ready for the long day ahead of you. This disorder is thought to be caused by prolonged exposure in adolescents and early adult hood to LSU football. While there are things that you can do to help you though this disorder, such as drinking Natural Light beer, preseason tailgating, canoe trips and barbeque,… there is no known cure. But the symptoms typically resolve themselves, around the end of August or early September. If you continue to experience these symptoms into late September and October, you probably live in Maine and should fly home ASAP and go to at least 4 LSU home games.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

July 18, 2005

Dr P.

Hi there, you may know me from my weekly Joke, on the Third Row Web page. Here is the problem. I am so bogged down with school (b/c I too am in medical school) and everything, that it is hard to keep up the jokes, what should I do. Focus on school, or keep writing for Third Row?

Sincerely,
Three Fingered Rob

Dear TFR,

Here is the thing. Look at all that third row has done for you in your life, and really what have you ever given back? Yeah sure it is fun to see you passed out around noon at every football game, or on the shore somewhere as we canoe past you. And yeah, we all can now start to laugh about you almost drowned Travis that one time, but really what have you ever given to Third Row? Yeah sure you have brought around that hot girl for a while (Tamra or something was her name think), and yeah you have given your time and shit, but are you that freaking lazy you can’t take a break from looking at porn on the internet to find a joke that is offensive to some group of people or James? You need to stop working so hard, because it is not like you’ll ever cure cancer, b/c your to much of a drunk. Hell, if you fail out b/c you spent time with the Third Row web page, what the worst that happens… default on your loans, and hide in Cayman… big freaking deal.

Sincerely,
Dr. P

July 11, 2005

Dr. P

I don’t know which state is worse, Alabama or Maine, who should I vote for on the poll?

Sincerely,

Mike

Dear Mike,

That at first appears to be a hard question. I mean with out a doubt all true Tiger fans would have no problem with the loss of the state of Alabama and every single person in it. But then again, lets compare pictures of the two:

You see what you have in picture one is a sea of red. And I don’t know about you, but it sucks to be there, but you know what as much as we all hate those inbreeding s-o-b’s. Nothing is funner than going there, drinking and pissing on their stadium the night before, and then kicking their ass the next day and then thinking about it on the way home. As for picture B, look close now, but you’ll see there that is a picture of the “sunny” beach on the Atlantic ocean. I don’t know about you, but no were on the Gulf Coast could that ever happen.

Dr. P

June 27, 2005

Dear Dr. P.

Since you seem to know so much about the ladies, I have come seeking some advice. Every week as you know some lucky, but more than worthy, tailgater is selected as member of the week for their outstanding efforts in the field of tailgating. I will admit, though, I have been guilty of giving this honor to girls over worthy guys in the hopes of being laid. I can’t help it. I would never have admitted it, but… well… I have yet had the chance to “unleash the fury” on any of these beautiful girls, as a matter of fact the only tailgater to give me any play was the beer tap. What am I doing wrong?

-anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

To see if your fears were justified I did some research. You have to date selected 33 males, 3 inanimate objects and 49 women (counting the whole women’s gymnastic team) as tailgaters of the week. While this may seem like I problem to you, I see it as a testament to the awesomeness of third row’s fantastic women…or the fact it is cool there are that many to pick at all. Besides using shady ways to hit on girls is just another aspect of tailgating, and not to be looked down on, well… not always (ya’ll know who you are!). Besides that you have bigger problems, if you did in fact make love to the Beer tap. First off, the nozzle is kinda small and second, that may the reason that it foams so often for no known reason. Other than that, I don’t see anything else wrong with that. So my advice to you is continue trying, and break it up with the beer tap.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

June 20, 2005

Dr. P

After last weeks survey I was very disappointed that the event I picked was not the eventual winner. You see I am cheap, and don’t like to have to pay to go to the Gala. This is especially true also b/c I can never find a date on account of my ugliness. So this week, I checked grain alcohol as my favorite drink, only to see that it was again not at the top of the survey list. To fix, what is a biased and unrepresentative poll I tried to vote again to act as the voice for all the moon shine drinkers out there, only to find out that the evil survey knew it was me and didn’t allow me to vote again. What can I do?

Sincerely,

U

Well U, first off let me say this: there are no ugly 3rd row members. Unless membership qualifications have been changed, and they haven’t, we would never allow an unattractive person to tailgate with us. My only advice to you, is to realize that women suck and are sometimes too stupid to see a good thing in front of them no matter how hard you try to get them to go out with you. I can assure you that only a one armed retarded blind lesbian would turn down the opportunity to date a 3rd Row member, and as of to date that has only happened twice. As for you trying to cheat and have the survey screwed up… you’re an asshole. Thank fully third rowers are allowed to be assholes But your lucky I don’t turn you over to King Trav. so he could properly smack you around, but HIPPA won’t allow that confidentially breach. I would advise you to put down the moon shine or at least save it for canoe trips.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

June 13, 2005

Last week Scott Hammat filled out this on the comment page on the third row web page

“Their quote answer is: I feel that Mark McGuire is the man, and we know that he did steroids and it doesn't faze me one bit. The glasses he wore on the witness stand did phase me a bit, they made him look like a child molester examining his next case carefully to ensure it's not ripe yet. So baring these activities I feel that whomever did have the most interleague home runs should forgo that title to the roided up man of the hour Mr. Mark McGuire! PS Barry Bonds is a worthless overweight pin cushion that needs to get over himself and quit whining to the world about how the world has done him wrong and that everyone is out to get him...c'mon we know only the white folk are out to get him and that's just becasue we want him back on our farm pulling turnips and picking cotton!”

So Scott, you are in luck. I am fresh outta of my first round of psychology exams and have some things that I would like you to consider. Why is it that you associate child molesting and big old drugged up men? From the psychodynamic model first proposed by Freud, he would suggest that you were not properly toilet trained properly stemming from your parents pushing it on you to early, and also accounting for your subsequent years of ego-dystonic homosexuality. As for your comments to Barry Bonds, not only did I find your comment out of line, but very racist. Barry Bonds has every right to sleep all day, get fat, not go to work and still collect a pay check and screw white women just like every other member of the African American community. It is the moral responsibility of all white people, to continue going to work early and every day, in order to pay taxes. And this is especially true for the white Giants fans who also need to buy baseball tickets and bobble head dolls to pay for barry bonds to sleep in every day. I would appreciate you in the future keeping such views to your self and away from 3rd Row.

Dr. P

June 06, 2005

Dr. P.,

I recently developed a horrible horrible case of the beer goggles one evening, which ended up with me getting home with a girl that no one in their right mind would've touched with a 39 and a half foot pole. Of course, I had her there in my bed, so I figured... awww, what the hell, no one's gonna know anyways. And of course, then I developed the worst case of whiskey dick I've ever experienced! It was horrible, the little bastard just wouldn't work!! So I didn't even get any %&*#@ing satisfaction out of the evening. How can I keep this from ever happenning again?!

 

Dear D.,

It is often said that men have two brains, but the implications of this are never fully considered. You see while your brain in your skull may have been affected by the alcohol your back up brain was fully aware of the fat nastiness in front of it. Your (as you said) "little" buddy was only watching your back, and I would not worry about it. Just thank God that we have these natural protective instincts built in to protect us from allowing ugly women to breed and multiply.

Dr. P.

April 18, 2005

Dr. P.

I recently tried to use the funnorkel to drink beer, as the recommended label states, but then I also tried to use it to breath under water while swimming. I found it hard, to do and almost drowned?!! How can I use the funnorkel to enjoy beer and breath underwater?

Sincerely,

Matt

Dear Matt,

You see my young padawon funnorkeler, you have encountered a problem that should only be approached by the most experienced of Funnorkel masters. You see proper technique when funnorkeling is key to using it later to breath underwater. If the “funnorkeler” fails to drink all the beer… or if he or she (ya right) does not blow out the froth at the end… the breathing passage will be obstructed and this can result in less than optimal breathing while under water… say like on a canon trip. I would advise you to avoid using the multiple aspects of the funnorkel as it is a complicated device only to be full utilized by a true “funnorkel master”

Sincerely

Dr. P.

April 04, 2005

Dear Dr. P.

I am a resident at Harvard doing rotations in Auburn, Alabama. Your reputation as a savant in medicine as even reached our hollowed corridors and your fame is growing by the day. I need you help with a patient of mine. I would be honored if you could lend your advice and expertise to the following case:

HPI: AB, a 55-year old man, referred to me for rising serum creatinine. The patient has long-standing, poorly controlled hypertension. He has difficulty remembering to take his hypertension medications. He has no other medical problems but does smoke a pack a day. His primary care physician reports that his serum creatinine 1 year ago was 1.0 mg/dL and has now risen to 1.7 mg/dL. He has a family history of hypertension, stroke, and heart disease.

PE: BP 178/100

Aside from the elevated blood pressure, his vital signs are otherwise normal. He is mildely obese, has a normal lung exam, and on cardiac exam has a regular rate and rhythm with a notable S4. The rest of the exam is normal

Labs: Na+ 140mEq/L, K+ 4.2 mEq/L, HCO3- 24 mEq/L, Cl- 101mEq/L, BUN 20 mg/dl, WBC 10,000/mL, hematocrit 40%, platelets 230,000/mL. Urine dipstick: 1+ protein, 24-hour urine collection: volume 720 mL, creatinine 200mg/mL, protein 1.1 g.

There are no other notable abnormalities or findings.

Thank you for your help,

Beavers, Harry M.D.

Dr. Beavers,

You say this is a patient under your care, who is from Auburn. Who cares then? Fuck him.

Sincerely,
Dr. P.

Dear Dr. P.

It seems every week I come in second and never get to answer the trivia question before someone else. I am so angry I don't know what to do except kill Eric for never putting it on the web page at the same time. What should I do about this anger and desire I have to make him suffer?

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Tailgater.

Dear DT,

What is stopping you? I don't see any thing other than you may want to know that he lives over on S. Foster Dr. by a golf course. Or that he drives a white SUV with an LSU band fraternity sticker on the back. Or that his phone number is (225) 241-XXXX. Maybe it is that you don't know where he works, give him a call and find out. That should help you begin to deal with your anger.

Sincerely,
Dr. P

March 21, 2005

Dear Dr. P.,

Ever since I visited the third row web page and was visitor number 20,000 weird things have NOT been happing to me. At first I thought that balloons would fall from the sky and girls in swim suites would appear and kiss me as people applauded everywhere... but none of that happened? Did I do something wrong? Or is there something wrong with me?
Can you help me?

Dear Brent,

There is never any easy way to say this, so sit down and I'll come out and say it. You are dumb. Yes I am sorry you suffer from chronic dumb. I am afraid the condition is not curable, and there is no available therapy to alleviate symptoms, and you will be plagued by it for the rest of your life. You see, unless Jay, Trav., Rob, UCBO, James, and Eric all won the lottery in different states at the same time in the past few weeks, how the hell do you think third row can afford that kind of cool stuff.... shit man.... they can't afford my medical fees, what with the high insurance premiums and low reimbursement I get. But as long as my payment comes in the form of cold Natty's, I will always offer my services to Third Row.

Dr. P

March 07, 2005

Dear Dr. P,

I have recently hurt my knee while bowling. The pain is intense and has caused me to seek out heavy duty pain relievers. The problem is the bottle says I shouldn't consume alcohol at the same time. What other liquids are available for drinking?

Sincerely,
Drunk Bowler

Dear DB,

Let me ask you a question to better diagnose the real problem. So, when going to football games, do you not sneak in alcohol, even though there are signs that say not to? Have you ever knowingly driven faster than the posted speed limit? Or while at a strip club, have you ever "touched" the dancer while geting a lap dance....(for those of you that havn't been to a strip club there is a I can touch you, but you can't touch me rule....so I have been told at my tuesday night bible study class). My point is this: Signs and labels are merely suggestions by the man to keep you down. He doesn't want you to be happy. So question is not what other
liquids should you be drinking, but why are you choosing to listen to this label? It has never stopped you before. I would suggest still take the pills and then going back to the alcohol, drink at the crawlsifh boil, and then speed on over to a strip club and have a good night!

Sincerly,
Dr. P

Dr. P,

I am concerned about the upcoming crawfish boil. Every time I have attended the Third Row Crawfish Boil the crawfish are so well flavored/spicy it gives me the "fire butt" for weeks after. How do I alleviate this pain I have learned to love and hate?

Distressed poo-hole,
P-Hole

Dear P-Hole,
There are two choices: 1. you can eat a salad while we all eat crawlfish. I am sure we can find time to make you one with little tomatoes and grated cheese and light dressing on the side. 2. you can man up and stop being a little bitch. If neither of those two choices are any good, I'll bring some snow down with me from Maine when I fly in, and you can just apply as needed after you "shift gears" and get your "fire-butt."

Sincerly
Dr. P

February 28, 2005

Dear Dr. P,

I have been trying to loose some weight, but I really want a quick fix. I have never seen a fat person on heroin so I am thinking that might be the answer. What is your opinion of the heroin diet?!

Dear Fatty,

You are right heroin is a good choice to loose weight, but may I also suggest smoking or adderal? Both of those offer more conservative and less malladaptive avenues for weight loss. I must digress to address a bigger problem however...

It is seems that a Brian Hebert, filled out a weekly specials form and asked the question "when does footballs season start?" Brian, you have a problem that needs to be fixed quickly. There can be any of the following things wrong:
1. you may be a woman.
2. you may be a northern
3. you may be from canadia
4.you definatly don't have purple and gold blood (which we may be able to transfuse from UCBO when he is drunk and give it to you).
5. you may be gay.
Now before you go kill yourself, calm down. There are ways to do it without much pain, so don't do anything to crazy. You see, if you havn't allready memorized the football projected schedual for the next 5 years, I mean come on, whats up with that. Oh.. and just to confirm any of the above diganosis.... does beer not appeal to you? TO ansewer your question.... it is really the spring game... but am sure you mean the game vs. N. Texas on sept. 3 2005

Sincerly
Dr. P

February 21, 2005

Dr. P.,
Sometimes I am reading the Third Row Joke of the week and I do not understand the Joke. Often times I don't think it is funny or I think words are misspelled and some times it appears that half of the joke is missing. Can you help me?

Sincerly,
Confused

Dear Confused,
I have good news for you. It not that you don't get the jokes, it is that often the joke sucks. You see the author of that Third Row column is what is called a "problem drinker." I have it on good authorty that most things that he does, he does with the aid of his friends Jim, or Jack, or Jose. So in his drunken stupor it is concieveable that he would only copy and past 1/2 of a joke, or even put up an unfunny joke. However, I encourage you to not look down on him, but try and understand. Go, have a few beers, and try and be responsible for a weekly column, and then see how good it is.

Dr. P

February 07, 2005

Dear Dr. P.
Hi, I used to live in Baton Rouge all my life, but I had to move up north a little ways. My problem is that b/c there is no humidity in the air my beautiful black skin has become 'ashy' and dry. This wouldn't be a problem expect that I hate white people and don't like being mistaken for a cracker b/c of my dry skin, can you help?

Sincerely,
Shaheme-Abdoul-Muhhommoud-Kearhem-Hussen Jackson.

Dr. Mr. Jackson,
I have found that the afore mentioned "Miracle Hand Repair Cream" also works for other areas that become cracked and dry. However, let me suggest something else. Have you ever considered the advantage you are in. You could be the first "white guy" to not show "white man's syndrome" while on the dance floor at clubs. Also, there is employment to look into. You could actually get a job that had a title with out the word assistant. Also if you are in a climate that snows, you could be able to blend in better with your
surroundings, like all of us pasty white people. Yes, I realize that your racism may prevent you from wanting to be white and take advantage of what that would have to offer, so you may just want to stick with the Hand Repair Cream.

Sincerely,
Dr. P.

Janurary 24, 2005

I am addicted to the triva question that third row puts up. It wouldn't be a problem, but Eric never posts anything at the same time so i find myself sitting infront of my computer staring at the thrid row web page, scared to go to the bathroom, just so no one beats me to the question. I am a nervous wreck b/c then I google the question and search trying to find it, only to wait another week to see if i won. What do i do?

Sincerly,
I think you know who i am

Dear, ITYKWIA
Yes it is true that seeing your name on the up there on the list of weekly winners is a thrill (not that I would know though). But as far as what you should be doing, I'd recomend that you look into drinking to pass the
time. Beer sience the time of the Egyptians has been used to relieave stress and anxity.... not to mention have sex.... something that I would also have to recommend that you should look into. You could also take a more "approved" method and confront your problem. Go to Eric's appartment on S. Foster or call him on his cell phone and let him know. Tell him that he's a son of a bitch and to get the page updated faster. If that doesn't work just go back to drinking. But remember if you want to be considered a winner, don't ever start a Third Row column and have three fingers b/c then he'll never let you win.

Sincerly,
Dr. P

December 27, 2004

Dr. P,

I am being forced to go on a 5 day trip to Orlando for the National competition for cheerleaders and dance squads. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to be able to pleasure all 5,000 college girls that are going to be there in this 5 day period. Do you have any suggestions on how I can accomplish this?

Stressed Peter

Stressed Peter,
I have often wondered myself if I could preform such a feet myself as I watched those competitions on ESPN. I was so intrigued by the idea I searched far and wide for a way to find a way to do such a thing. My travels took me to a remote mountain range near Nepal. There I asked the Dalai Lama himself, he thought for a moment and said he did not know the answer to my medical question, and sent me to a much wiser man. Getting on the next plane I found myself in on the west coast of the United States. There I sought the advice of Magic Johnson. He told me that in his life he had at one time doubted he too could sleep with 10's of thousands of women, until his friend Michael Jordan had told him to "just do it." Then a little monkey with a funny hat came out and hit the gong with his stick and I had to leave having asked my one question. So I say to you, "just do it." However, I of course would also "just wrap it" too, because I think that is where Magic went wrong.

Sincerely,
Dr. P.

December 13, 2004

Dear Dr. P.
I recently found a way to get 25 dollars. Having spent a lot of money on sunscreen and pina colada?s (with those little pink umbrella's) while sitting on the beach trying to get a job, this would be very beneficial to me. However, it would mean getting one of my friends to start smoking again. Is supporting the reuptake of smoking of my friend worth the 25 dollars phillip morris would give me?

Sincerely,
His Royal Magisty, The King

Your Highness,

You see this is a good question, so lets look at the facts.
1. Smoking increases a person's short term memory by stimulating the release of calcium in your brain (why coma patients have nicotine patches).
2. It is social and if in a bar could be a way to meet a girl who is smoking, both physically and actually.
3. Is relaxing.
4. Gives you something to do, or a reason to go outside instead of staying inside watching TV. And by going outside you are in the sun, and your skin will make Vitamin D, thereby preventing rickets.
5. Makes you look cool.
So my answer is yes, especially if your friend has no memory, is an unattractive pale skin person with rickets. Tell your friend that due to your sudden change in opinion of smokers you would like to see him or her pick up that wonderful habit. But in all fairness you should buy that first pack.

Sincerely,
Dr. P.

December 06, 2004

Dear Dr. P.

It seems that I have some how lost my ability to drink a lot of beer. But it is not only beer it is all types of alcohol; wiskey, rum, gin, everything. I find myself having to do things to cover up for this embarrasing fact, like lighting the alcohol on fire, which is ammusing to friends, but is really a cover for the true fact that I can't drink anymore. Please help.

Sincerely,
Get me off the wagon.

Dear GMOTW,
It seems that you have some how caught a case of vaginitus. This is a rare condition that causes you over time to at first hate beer and then later grow vaginas all over yourself. It can be caused by not consuming enough natural light, or by not eating enough red meat, or by going on some sort of low-carb diet. Don't worry there is a cure. Continue to drink beer, eat raw meat, spit, swear, curse, stop all dieting, and maybe even watch a porn or two. If you still find that you can't drink beer or don't like it...just kill yourself or move to San Fransisco.

Sincerely,
Dr. P.

November 22, 2004

Dear Dr. P,

This past weekend while tailgating, I decided it would be a good time to play with fire. I took an empty bottle of Diesel grain alcohol and a lighter and attempted to ignite the fumes and leftover diesel. Well, sure enough, as it says on the bottle, the diesel caught fire, created a blasting flame, and of course burnt my hand. So now I have a second degree burn on my hand and thumb from playing with fire and grain alcohol. What is the best way treat such a burn?

Drunk Idiot Playing with Fire

 

Dear DIPWF,

I just have one question for you. In all your time at LSU did no person take it upon him/herself to teach you the fundamentals of alcohol and fun? I now must question your friends for allowing you to abuse and waste alcohol in such a way. You see alcohol, like, oh I don't know, like small children, should not be abused or wasted, and definitely not lit on fire! You should treasure your time with it, b/c like a child it will eventually be gone, leaving you with a pain inside (whether it be your heart or head). So to recap, please seek out Jay or UCBO for the proper way behave and treat you alcohol. As for your fingers, cut those off, I hear that at least 2 outta 5 are just there for show, and girls shouldn't complain either.

Sincerely,
Dr. P.

**Editor's note.. HAHA, Rob didn't know it was actually Jay that burned his hand... high comedy folks.**

Dr. P,

I was wondering what adverse conditions would occur with Mattrick's dog drinking all the beer at the tailgate party? Will this have a significant affect on the whole tailgating experience? And seeing the picture of Jay and the dog makes me wonder how tight that relationship really is...and if that is "proper" for one so high in the Third Row pecking order?

-Canine Curiosity

Dear C.C.

First off who are you to question how a member of the elite Third Row crew decides to lead his life? Don't you know that b/c they are so much better than you, that they are above things like "laws" (especially those
concerning bestiality). As for the dog drinking beer? What needs to be understood then is not so much a medical question but a legal one. So lets consult our constitution and its bylaws:

Article II. Consumption.
2. ..as long as said the Beer Drinker of Third Row Beer (here to after to be known as the drunk) as long as said drunk has meet and or compiled to 3 of the 9 stipulations listed below in this subsection, consumption of alcohol shall be allowed and or encouraged:

A. Is a woman
B. Has paid beer fund / tipped
C. Is a hot fine lady
D. Is an LSU fan
E. Is a regular at Third Row events (that is to say at a given time at least 4 people know at least what letter your name may begin with)
F. Bought the alcohol in question
G. Is considered in good standing with the Third Row members
H. Is Nick Saben (or his daughters in a few years)
I. Is deemed a good looking girl after at least 2 drinks have been consumed by Boo (even if the drunk in question is really a dude).

So I would have to say that the dog may not only drink, but is probably more entitled to it that you are. So to recap, its none of your business if Jay wants to have sex with a dog, or a fine young lady, as long as he is
happy (and gloves the gear). And yes the dog can drink with out tail gaiting being negatively impacted.

Dr. P.

November 15, 2004

Dr. P.,

As you may have heard there was some sort of gathering the other night out side of the Natatorium. Good times were had, and of course beer was drank. However, as the night progressed I found myself talking to one of the fine ladies that was there. Then things get hazy. The next morning I awoke to find myself in the bushes with my head laying on a root stump, and my arms wraped around the ugliest thing I have ever seen. My problem now however is that I have this weird rash on my ass. What could it be? and what sould I do?

John

Dear John,

You have obviously contracted a severe case of acute skankitus, which of course comes from sleeping with skanks. The best way to cure this is to get some soap and a brilo pad, and scrub. If that doesn't work try sand paper. But please in the future... "just say no to skanks."

Sincerly,
Dr.P.

November 08, 2004

Dear Readers,
Earlier this week Scott Hammat wrote in the weekly specials form: "...PS Scott Hammat is a sexy bitch... and he has a superior buttox as rated by his doctor, yup he has written proof of his incredibileness!!!"

Now I just wanted to let people know some information that I have found out. After talking to several people in the medical community, I reached the plasctic surgon who was first contacted by a then much younger Ccott, that wanted to be "beautiful." The surgon having never seen such an ugly child, tried for weeks and gave you the Scott we know today... I'll let you decide if he failed. However, unable to to do anything about his boney flat ass, the surgeon suggested to Scott he put socks or tissue in his underwear. SO
their you have it, socks and tissue are the secert behind Scott's assetts. You may be wondering why I would bring this to light, after all Scott doesn't need people to know this. Well... I just think anyone who puts socks and tissues or whatever in his ass to make it look firm and round needs to be made fun of. A secondly reason, the written proof he has... was from that surgon, who told me that he just could not go on living the lie.

Dr. P.

November 01, 2004

Dear Readers,

It has come to my attention that Third Row has been the victim of some asshole who fucking needs to be killed for stealing. But "coincidentaly" I have also been the victim of credit card fraud. Some jerk off decided to use my credit card to buy 1000's of dollars of bedding supplies, gas, clothes, and burrito's, sour cream, rice, beans and tequila. I had my credit card used all over Mexico last week, while I was studying and taking tests. So here is my theory: I had my credit card used all over Mexico last week. Third Row had their money stolen in the last week... and doesn't Third Row have some "Mexican" members? Now I am not saying that those members whould steal from us... but really have we ever trusted Rudy, UCBO or James (that's right JAMES!). I say you take them out back and hook electrodes to their nuts... just to be sure. And if it turns out they did not do it... We will offer our truest heart-felt apology, and get them a beer.

Sincerly,
Dr. P.

October 25, 2004

Dr. P.
Hello, Dr. P. I am am first time writer, and long time reader. Please please do not use my real name, just call me P.C. I have a problem that requires your immediate expertise. I was walking around my apartment two days ago, nude, as I normaly do. However, when I went to sit down on my sofa I sat on a potato, which then became lodged in my ass. What should I do?

Sincerly,
Mr. Potato Head. / P.C.

Dear. P.C.

Ok let me get this striaght, you were walking around naked, and then accidentallysat on it..b/c it was just lying their on your sofa?! Right. Ok now let's get something clear... you first have a serious problem if you find sexualgratification from Idaho potaotes in your rectum. That is just messed up. My Advice to you is simple: stop. I relaize that you may be so far gone in your sexual deviant behavior that help may not be an option anymore, but please try. I'd hate to see a Third Row Tailgater overcome by such a "antisocial" behavior, that would lead to us just labeling you as a freak and never talking to you again... however, we would contiune to take any monetary donations that you would like to make.

Sincerely,
Dr. P.

October 18, 2004

To all my third row patients:

I am glad to see that most of ya'll are in good heatlh during the cold a flu season, because as we all know most of us will not be able to get the flu shot and will probably die because of that. But, according to a well placed source who we call "king" as he wants to remain nameless, he tells me that the flu shot was only there anyways as a way for the goverment to control your minds and keep records on you. Other than that I just wanted to share two things with ya'll.

One: for any of you who may be botanist or some other plant/ biology major, could you please tell me what is happening to the trees out sidehere in Maine? They all had green leaves when I got here and now they are
yellow and red and some other weird colors. And because I know I am not on acid or anything else I find this quite odd to say the least.

Second: While at lunch today, which by the way was bland and tasteless, I saw a sticker that said "Yankee's Suck" thats it just two words. I told that person that I thought the sticker was very funny, and him and I got to talking. However, it soon became apparent after about (serisouly now) like 2 minutes that, he was a Boston fan, and I was just a southerner, and while we both dispised dirty snobish, fucking elitist yankee bastards, we did in fact hate two different things.

I just thought I'd share that with yall....oh and of course this was after I tried to order a Coke, and the lady said what about Pepsi, and I replyed "what ever just give me a coke." this went back and forth until I realized that the correct word to use in this strange land of snowmobiles, bland food, and cold weather, was in fact "pop".

F UCK!
And GEAUX TIGERS!

October 04, 2004

Dr. P,

After engaging in recent travels I've noticed that Louisiana and Baton Rouge in particular has a much higher percentage of very hot women than other states, particularly those with cold climates... why is this?

Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused,
I, having now lived all over the world and practiced medicine in the Cayman's (which at one time was inhabitable) and now in Maine, am quite experienced in this question. While I do not have an answer, I have several theories. The weather is the central factor to all my hypotheses. You see it is fucking cold up north and therefore men may not want to take out their "willies" when the DRF (Dick Reduction Factor) is a -1. Not to mention why would there even be men in areas like Maine that do not have worth while football team. So you have all these men with already small "members" who are already losers and are breeding ugly breeding with ugly fat women (who are because they have to be insulated for the long hard winters). Over the years, the fat ugly women and ugly small "purple headed yogurt spitter" men have produced 99% of the people as ugly. The remainding 1% comes from people who move up there say from Alabama (who we all can agree has a high population of beautiful southern women) to relocate for one reason or another...why people from Alabama, you may ask, are they the southern people who move up there? Well for the most part it is b/c they are stupid and dumb and don't realize that it is FUCKING COLD up here.

My other Theory is still slightly related to the above: it is that no black people are up here at all (for two reason's : 1. its fucking cold and black people hate the cold more than I do...if that is possible 2. Black's
know they would not be able to blend into the snow.) Now what does that have to do with women? well...black men have "big john's" and women like that (or I have at least never had a complaint) and therefore follow the cock. I hope this has helped you and will serve as a guide in your future travels as you look for beautiful women.

Sincerely,
Dr. P

September 12, 2004

To my loyal readers, I am emailing you medical advice while taking shealter from Hurricane IVAN. I know that you are all very drunk right now in prepreation for tonight's big game. Let me tell you that I am also a little drunk, as there is nothing else to do apparnetly when you are stuck in the middle of a big ass fucking hurricane on a little fucking island. So, I raise a drink to you drunken son's of bitches hoping for your health and LSU's success.

Sincerly,
Dr. P

P.S. If anyone has a umbrella ask UCBO to give you my address.

Dr. P,

I have recently become addicted to meat n'cheese. I know that this is a tough thing to get over, and that Eric still suffers from this malady. I especially love greesy meat n'cheese. Mmmmmm...that's the best! Oh, creamy meat n'cheese.....

Thanks Dr. P.

Rombowski

Dear Rombowski,
I don't think I need to help you Mr. Rombowski. You see according to the Atkins diet as long as you are not eating any carbohydrates you should be fine. I say embrace you new found life style and see what else is out there in the meat and cheese aisles. I think some fried sausage wrapped in bacon with a slice of Swiss cheese would be just fine to eat every day! Just make sure you chase it with a low carb drink like diet coke and jim.

Dr. P,

I recently fell asleep/passed out and someone drew a penis on my face. Will this have any permanent affects to my person, and how can I enact revenge on the evil SOB that did this to me?

Extra Penis

Dear Extra Penis,

Life is full of many tough lessons. I for one have also been known to "fall asleep" while drinking as is documented thoroughly on the Third Row web page. However, I can say that no one ever did such a thing to me. I think such a thing would only happen to someone who deserved it, or secretly wanted it to happen. I think that the only way for you to ever come to terms with this is to go and find the biggest blackest man you can, give him 50 dollars to walk up to that ?evil SOB? wearing nothing but a brown trench coat. Then when the big black man comes up to the SOB have him open the trench coat and cock slap the SOB twice. Once for what he did, and a second to remind him not to do it again.

Sincerely,
Dr. P

August 19, 2004

Dr. P,

I have problems picking up and going home with women. I was wondering if there were any drugs or anything else out there that could help?

Callused Hands

Dear Callused Hands,
This is always a touchy subject to write on b/c us men do not want women to know our ways and the means by which we try to "go home with them." So I would like those women out there reading this to stop right now, so that men can at least have a shot at hooking up with you at tailgating, galas and other third row functions. Now back to your question, being that many third row people are "old school" or just old, they use out dated techniques such as clubbing a girl on the head and dragging her by the hair into the bushes... ahh the good old days. But times have changed so much so that it is even illegal apparently to order a girl a rupphi-colada. So what are we to do? Well, apparently hot girls are always with abusive a-holes, so try an old school approach with a twist, and walk up and slap a chick and then ask for her number. However, if she is younger you may want to go spend 20 dollars on a 6 pack of the newest bacardi girl drink and
then hope for the best. But remember the key is to always separate her from her cock blocking friends. The easiest way to do this is to throw a twinkie and yell "free twinkie". Now that the hot girl is separated from
her snagle-tooth friends, you are free to give her enough alcohol so that you may consummate your new found relationship.

Sincerely,
Dr. P.

August 08, 2004

Dr. P,

I recently killed a Mexican and ate his stomach to get rid of that horrible ailment, but now I find that whenever I want to curse, it comes out in Spanish?! Help me, what can I do to say almeja bollo chingar dar candela por el culo caray! in English again?

Thanks Dr. P,
Cholo

Dear Cholo,

First off let me say that it is a shame that you would want to say such things anyways, as anyone on third row would say I do not condone vulgarity of any sort (esp. when cheering before an LSU game... say ...out side the student gates. However, as a doctor-to-be I can not judge only help. Now I beleive your problem is more psycosomatic than say caused by some fucked up mexican bug or virus, b/c you can't spell any of your curse words correctly; this according to my still alive roomate, freetranslation.com and babblefish.com. So to cure you I want you to punch yourslef in the balls with both hands every time you curse in Spanish. That way we may be able to get some sort of Pavlovian dog response out of you, and at the very least it would be funny for us to watch.

Sincerly,
Dr. P.

August 01, 2004

Dr. P,
When I pull down my pants in front of the small children they laugh at me. Is there something I can do or take so that they quit laughing?
Sincerely,
Michael Jackson

Dear Mr. Jackson,
To the tailgater who wrote this - we all know who you are, so stop with the pseudoname. Still, I do have two things to say to you. First: Stop accosting little boys, no means no. Second: Two words, Penis Pump. For further questions see this web site: www. Menwithlittledicks.com. But don't be mad at the little kids for laughing, if I was 4 years old and had a bigger penis than some 27 year pervert I'd laugh at you too.
Sincerely,
Dr. P

Dr. P,
After playing softball all day on Sunday my back has been killing me! What's wrong and what can I do to fix it?! Please help me.
-Sore McSorealot

Dr. P,
I have severe stiffness in my legs after playing softball all day. Is this normal and what can I do to prevent it next time?
Stiffy

Dear Stiffy and McSorealot,
I could not help but notice that you two were the only people with "softball" related injuries. So here is my advice to you both. Try switching positions when "playing softball" if one of you is the pitcher and the other the catcher then try to change it up some so that you work other muscles and rest the ones that were just used. Also, you may find it enhances your relationship by trying new things. Best of luck and don't be
afraid to admit who you are, because remember Third Row does not discriminate based on religion or sexual preference, only color of skin.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.

July 18, 2004

An Email:

Dear Dr. P.,

I know that you are so busy, but I must ask for your advice. Every time I eat something I get horrible stomach pains followed later by uncontrollable and explosive diarrhea. I may have been able to live with this, but I also have horrible hemorrhoids that are beginning to become infected and are bleeding from the constant wiping with toilet paper. Please help me.

Sincerely,
Confused and Bleeding

Dear Confused and Bleeding,

Without knowing anything more about you I will try to help the best I can. First off let me say that I got my degree in Anthropology, and may be able to help with the stomach problems with something I learned in class. What you need to do is what the ancient Native Americans used to do when they had similar problems. They found that after warring with the ancient Mexican societies and stealing their dead for food that eating a Mexican's stomach would in turn give you its strength to with stand the most vile and spicy food in the world. Now I've never tried it, but I bet if you killed you a Mexican and ate his or her stomach, that would solve one or two of your problems. Also, so you don't kill my roommate, I would recommend a
full blooded one. Now for the hemorrhoids, I bet if you just tied a string to them and then tied the other end of the string to a doorknob, like they were a loose tooth that would do the trick. Good luck, and I hope I was of some help.

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