What's up, I'm James, AKA 'The Grudge', welcome to the most despicable section
of the Third Row website, the lowest of the low, the lamest of the lame, the
GRUDGE of the week. If you've been grudged, welcome to the official wall of
shame!
06-27-04
This week's brief grudge of the week goes to Chevrolet. The plastic handle on my truck's third door broke yesterday making the door inoperable. I anticipate that the plastic handle (not to be confused with "Plastic Fifth") will cost me $20-30. The labor will cost me $120. Instead , I will spend an entire weekend of my own time disassembling and reassembling my third door. I knew I should have bought a $3,000 used Neon from a rental car company. If it broke down, I could always turn it into a barbecue pit and buy another one.
06-06-04
This week's grudge goes out to our local ABC affiliate and our local cable provider. Besides conspiring to cover airport shootings live, our local affiliate also managed to score game six of the Stanley Cup finals. They bumped it for a charity fundraiser which is certainly civically responsible. However, when the game was moved to a separate channel, someone goofed and went to a "feel good about your cable provider" commercial during the second overtime in the middle of a slapshot from the Flames which could have won the cup. If you didn't think our local cable provider was lame for talking about ditching ESPN, then wait till they only show the first three quarters of game seven of the NBA finals.
One word: Heidi. Make that two words: Grudge.
05-19-04
Ah, the time has come to grudge a major southern tradition-the North American
Stockless, Careless Association of Race track owners which we will refer to
as "NASTCAR". Over the last couple of weeks, NASTCAR has turned
its back on several things including rules, tracks, and my favorite driver.
First, I must opine for a moment on the "Race for the Cup" rule
change. This year, with ten races to go NASTCAR will systematically eliminate
all but the top ten drivers from competition in an effort to make racing more
exciting and compete with the NFL in the fall. I have a tip for you, NASTCAR,
try Saturday or Sunday night. There's never a game worth watching on either.
Under this new system you will retain all of your "3 & 8" fans
and most of your "24" fans but just imagine all of the "88's"
and "6's" out there that will never forgive you.
Next I must express disgust with the omission of Rockingham from next year's
schedule as well as the shuffling of Darlington to Mothers' Day. No more tire
battles at "The Rock". Because there is so much ground sea shell
in the track, tires don't last very long at all causing a real strategic crisis.
That's intrigue. Darlington is losing one of their races and the other will
be Mothers' Day eve for the first time annoying NASTCAR moms and wives everywhere.
Finally, Johnny Benson was edged out of his "Beer" series ride so
he could concentrate on his return to the "Cell phone" series. Too
bad the "Race for the Cup" will eliminate many prospective car sponsors
that he would need to make his return. Apparently NASTCAR doesn't need somebody
to drive. They want somebody that rents cars (Dale), pouts (Tony), or comes
from California (insert overpaid Hendrick driver here).
Here's how NASTCAR can drop the "T". Don't risk your entire association
on the assumption that there will be a Budweiser entry in the top ten at the
end of the year. Don't alienate everyone else by scaring off non-cell phone/beer
sponsors. Don't turn your backs on the Fenways and Wrigleys that got you to
the retractable roofers of today. Last of all, in the tradition of the "IROCK"
series, make the cars for the teams. All the cars perform the same. All the
cars cost the same. Let the best driver with the best team win. Until you
meet my demands, NASTCAR, you are grudged.
05-09-04
Why must everyone try to fix things that aren't broken? This week I am grudging
grocery stores. Take your pick: "Smallbertson's", "Super Smallmart",
"Lose-Dixie", "Pave-a-center", etc. They're all on my
list.
First of all, let me dispel the myth of the "savings card". The
savings card is purely a way for BIG BROTHER to track your purchases so "he"
can raise prices to follow your demands. You buy turkey in November then the
price of turkey goes up in November. Thursday beer runs become a trend and
all of the sudden you are part of their revenue forecasting. From here on
out, always refer to a "savings card" as a "losing card".
Next comes the "self-checkout aisle". Prices get raised to pay for
renovations to provide less service to cut labor costs which improves profit
margins. A real technological improvement would be the arch you pass through
which simultaneously scans every item in your basket. Instead the alarms go
off when a paying customer tries to bag his own groceries. I recently gave
a "self checkout manager" the "NO, YOUR MACHINE DID SOMETHING
WRONG!" speech as I had an actual person ring up my groceries. "It
won't let you put a case of soda in a bag because it wastes a bag." Funny-she
was double bagging the aforementioned case of soda as she told me this.
I could go on but I think I'm actually going to make this a miniseries. Check
the grudges in the next couple weeks for grocery updates.
05-02-04
So everyone's been asking me, "Who gets the first grudge back?"
Will it be global or local? Will it be life changing or habit forming? Well…maybe
it will be each of those. Because of the local nature of this week's grudge
we will change names to protect the guilty.
I pulled up to the drive through at a local "Raising Shame" while
contemplating who would face the wrath this week. I left home as the "gentlemen"
were starting their engines for the NASCAR cup race. This gives me exactly
ten minutes to grab lunch and get back before the race goes green. I thought
that would be plenty of time - even for "Shames", who is notoriously
the slowest of the fast food chains. This is ironic because most of their
locations are adapted from former Fast Tracks or Rallys who were well reputed
for being the fastest.
I'm only third in line and pull right up to order. A benefit to "Shames"
is that you know you won't have to search for or receive back loads of change.
WRONG. "That'll be $6.53, sir. Please drive up." Excuse me! They
were already the most expensive. This might have been a shock I could deal
with if I didn't have the next 25 minutes to contemplate it.
I pulled up from ordering and waited 15 minutes before car number 1 got her
order. I waited another 5 minutes for car number 2 to get his. I was thinking
I would pull out of line and go somewhere else but the next person in line
had blocked me in and he was already out of his car flapping his arms up and
down like a migratory bird. Another five minutes went by and finally I had
my food. The guy very weakly apologized, "Here ya go. Sorry for the wait."
I paused long enough for him to know this was going to be a very uncomfortable
moment for him. "I know you will have long since quit this job before
you see me again."
Please allow me to throw in some economics. "Shames" likes to think
it has a niche for itself. Thus it can set its prices willy nilly. Fried chicken
fingers are not the private property of "Shames". Nor is it the
only non-burger joint. "Think outside the bun" is actually the catchphrase
of a far faster and cheaper chain. The demand for chicken has not gone up.
Actually the number of suppliers has increased. Prices should fall.
Some might ask, "Well, what about the sauce?" Mayonaise, ketchup,
worcestershire sauce, and black pepper. Oops-the cat is out of the bag. Try
again.
"But the chicken is really fresh." Get over it. In 25 minutes, I
could walk to the store for freshly butchered chicken, walk back, fry it up,
and still have a few minutes left to type up my grudge of the week.
"The Texas Toast is awesome." You can buy it by the loaf at any
grocery store in town.
Back to my situation, though, I missed the first thirty laps including two
major on-track confrontations involving the "dirtiest player in the race".
This was unacceptable and brought forth the GRUDGE OF THE WEEK. Welcome, "Raising
Shame", to the machine. We'll spit you out when we're good and ready.
02-08-04 - This week's grudge: THE ACADEMY of RECORDING ARTS and SCIENCES
First let me start with an explanation of why "ARTS" and "SCIENCES"
dont belong in the same academy. Art is subjective. Science is objective.
Art is creating a one of a kind form to be admired by some and mocked by others
in the pursuit of self expression.Science is a way of devising a formula for
someone's gain.
Allow me to start over. The Grammy's are a sham. Just as an example, take
"Sham" out of the equation and what do you get "T E C DE Y
of RECORDING RT nd CIENCE ". I can reduce it to this simple idea: Nominate
one artist from each of the
five segments of a genre and then award the artist who can sell the most units
due this exposure. A prime example of the shammery, or as I will now refer
to it as SHAMROCK, is when No Doubt beat Fountains of Wayne for best pop performance
by a duo or group. Break it down. Everyone has doubts. Everyone knows someone
named Wayne. Tie. No is bad as in "No soup for you!" or "No,
don't touch me there". Fountains are good--even when you get pushed into
one on an elementary school field trip. Advantage Fountains of Wayne.
Winning a Grammy is about being smart not creative. Do something crazy like
claiming your drummer is both your sister and ex-wife. Don't show nipples
at halftime of any sporting event. As a highly recognized blonde, dye your
hair jet black to add credibility.This is known as "Artificial Intelligence".
If you're a rapper, for heaven's sake don't let Aerosmith introduce your category.
They will forget the first half of your double album and embarass you. If
they made you famous in the eighties they
will have you killed. It helps to thank the "Academy" as opposed
to the "Association". Wussup Timberfake. Try not to be nominated
with an odd number of dead performers. Don't record songs that have names
that start with the letter "X".
Art is not a platinum record. There should be no points for sales. Bling and sing are two words that should never cross in the same awards show. Malfunctioning microphone's are fate's way of saying "Celine, go away". So until the Academy gets off its cash register and throws something the way of a unsigned band of six called Plastic Fifth then I will go back to my room and listen to Lil' John and the Ying Yang Twins on MP3.
The Grammy for "Most grudged by a duo or academy" goes to...
You've been grudged!
